[August Nineteenth, Two Thousand Fourteen]

It's been a day of contemplation. It's not often i try to plan ahead for myself, but today i indulged. I really want to enjoy life and take care of myself. However, i cant help but feel like i am in some alternate reality. Almost like a dream. You go along the whole dream thinking wow this is really weird, i cant believe that happened and then all of the sudden you get really sad and hurt. Thats when you realize your dreaming and scream to wake up and find yourself in your bed where all is right with the world. That is my daydream. Unfortunately that is not my reality. I so badly want to wake from this horrid nightmare of the last two years...I wish i could open my eyes and be right next to him. To wrap my arms around him, kiss his scruffy cheek and tell him all about my dream and for him to reassure me that it was only a dream. That he is mine. That our plan still stands and our bond is tighter than ever. To kiss my lips, hold me close, and whisper in my ear just how much he loves me. Although they are distant memories, they still feel so familiar. This reality just feels so unfamiliar without him. My heart beats uncontrollably and aches so distinctly for things to be the way they were, despite the dysfunctionalness (yeah i made up that word). I hate feeling so lonely, like no one can connect with me on a level that he did. He just knew my struggle in such a way. He will forever be a piece of me that i will never get back. 

[the beginning]

[Here is to a new start]

I'm feeling insignificant in a world where you're supposed to have everything all figured out. 

I don't have everything all figured out.

I'm the OPPOSITE of all figured out.

I am a 24 year old girl with no direction.

I'm not smart.

I'm not talented.

I work hard.

I'm dependable.

BUT

What is my special knack?

What is my calling?

Well,

I guess I'm hoping that I can figure that out on this journey through my life.

I love pictures.

I love journaling.

I just want to do fun things without the bitter memories && cautious moves.
I hate that who I am reflects where I've been.
I don't know how to be who I am supposed to be.
I'm trapped in a community where my worst qualities are the shining stars and I'm haunted by my last relationship. No one writes a book on how to move on in the same vicinity. Life is a cruel game with a an amazing creator. The irony is so real.